The Journey

Janet’s Story

My faith journey can be described by the analogy of a roller coaster with numerous ups and downs, some exciting, others scary. I am finding that success, both in the business world and in the church, while very appealing to me, is ultimately not very satisfying. But obedience is. I still respect my work of writing, speaking, and teaching, but I do not think it is the core of my existence as much as it used to be.

Deepening my faith meant transforming my life. For me, there was no other choice. As an example of these changes, my life purpose in the first year of spiritual direction was to be a wise leader. In the second year, it was to be wise. Year three was completed with no purpose at all, an experience I now see as an example of the dark night of the soul. In the fourth year, my purpose evolved into just being available. Years five and six and on had the purpose of simply loving. My work has not changed radically. I have changed. The way in which I work has changed too. For a high-acheiving, driving personality, this is a profound, ongoing miracle.

I believe faith to be a lifelong endeavor. Its daily discipline of prayer is teaching me to live more deeply. I am learning to let go, to be led, to forgive, to love, to wait, to serve. I have more peace, more fun, more willingness to deal with anxiety, more willingness to see myself and less fear. I feel spiritual direction and other counseling have led to deep inner healing of pain, both spiritually and emotionally, that I was not even aware of before. It has transformed my early childhood religious misunderstandings into meaningful realities. I don’t know where I’m headed in the future, but I’m learning to be more comfortable with that ambiguity. I do know I feel a special, personal connection for women who are or have been in prison. I know I love to write, speak publicly, listen to peoples’ stories, and play. I am learning in little bits what love is. And I am open to God’s molding me at this point in my life. That for me, is a monumental life experience.

Bob’s Story

Charted, my journey would look very much like an electrocardiogram print out—a continuous wavy line with sudden arrhythmic spikes up and down. I am the older of four children raised in a devout Christian family. Ours was a “conversionist" tradition, one in which a personal conversion was believed to be essential to becoming a Christian. From my earliest memories, I sought and did what was supposedly appropriate to experience that conversion. Responding to numerous invitations to “give my life to Christ,” I would be at a loss today to know which one, if not all, of them “worked.” Born and raised to live as a Christian should, I never experienced any dramatic conversion experience of lifestyle or feeling. Over years I felt “failure” at not achieving my sought after spiritual plateau and sense of significance. My head and my heart were misaligned, and the “faith” necessary to believe seemed too great a leap to make. I became a full fledged rationalist. I devoured the writings of humanistic tradition. I saw man as the measure of all things. I dropped out of church and abandoned any semblance of Christianity. I became a humanist and felt a sense of relief. I could not confess with my heart what my head could not affirm. After a couple of decades of struggle to find “right” answers, I desperately returned to the scriptures with an openness and a desire to face the questions that had often been dodged or repressed before. To make a long story short, I found my way back to God even to the point of attending seminary and achieving a doctorate in New Testament studies. But it wasn’t until later in life that I learned grace.

After years of seminary teaching and parish ministry, I found myself faced with a different crisis of faith. My marriage of sixteen years disintegrated. Many would assume that this crisis came from being in a setting and community where divorce would make you persona non grata. But for me the pain and crisis went much deeper. It involved the very heart of the gospel. I had believed, taught and preached that God had acted in Christ to bring about restoration, healing, forgiveness, new life, and new beginnings for us all. But God was not working in my own marriage. Where was God when I really needed God? All that I had come to believe and “understand” was on the line. For me there was only one way. But that way did not work out. 

Angry with God, disillusioned with the gospel, I went to the president of the college and seminary where I taught to resign. He turned to me, a man with whom I had often differed regarding students and policies, and said, “Bob I will not accept your resignation. We need you and you need us.” This from a president of an institution that, until two years before, would not even admit a student or allow a student to continue should he or she be divorced. My other colleagues sensed the pain and anguish of soul and were there to encourage, support and above all hold me up in prayer when I did not feel like praying at all. God became real to me, spoke to me, and made grace a part of my life through my colleagues. That is where I saw God’s love and grace. For one who was always “right” and “righteous,” one who wanted to be “spiritual” above all else, the scarlet letter of divorce taught me the meaning of grace. Never able to be “converted” because I knew so little of sin and failure, I experienced God’s accepting grace and found that my life is indeed in God’s hands. I find myself at times still seeking to make a way, take control, make the future happen. The cutting edge for me remains, “letting God be God” in my life and my future.

Kaye’s Story

My journey of life in the Spirit is a curious one.

As young people, we think we have a plan...and God just smiles and lets us explore our own paths.

I grew up in a pastor’s home that was loving and strictly religious. I worked very hard growing up to be a great biblical student, follow all the rules and make my parents proud. That worked until a family crisis in my teens caused me to walked away from any life in the spirit. I was angry that God had not followed MY plan, and felt that He had abandoned me. After many years of painful life choices made from my unhealed childhood wounds, I desperately reached out again for the only thing I knew I could be certain of---some form of relationship with The Father. His grace met me without judgement, and I knew that He would guide my steps back to a place of wholeness.

Through all the seasons of my life, I have learned that questions of my faith and life are always welcomed by Him. He desires our love and relationship, not our adherence to laws and religious regulations. After years of spiritual encounters with God and serving great spiritual leaders, I find my life in the Spirit now is quiet, intimate and contemplative. This is the season of quiet, joy and peace that I have always longed for. My journey is an ever growing, changing, moving and breathing adventure of His presence in all the daily details!

I am forever marked by His unending kindness, regardless of my behavior. His intimacy holds me in comfort when dark circumstances might overtake me. Gratitude for His grace is a daily practice. I am confident He waits for all of us, no matter the circumstance, to experience His grace and kindness.

Anne’s Story

We all know the saying, "Your greatest strength is also your biggest weakness.” I began to understand the reality of this statement when I turned 38. For the first time in my life, I started having trouble falling sleep at night. My greatest strength, according to many, was loving and serving others, but it began to turn into a weakness as I was loving and serving with wrong motives. Additionally, I didn't practice good self-care or maintain healthy boundaries in my relationships. I had to learn the hard way that it was ok to allow others to make mistakes and to handle their own messes. To my profound relief, I discovered that everything in the lives of those I care about is not my responsibility! Through some inner work, I began to understand how to discern the difference between loving and serving from God’s power or loving and serving in my own strength. Serving in order to feed my ego and to grab for validation and love in return left me burned out, angry and exhausted. Slowly, I began to learn and believe the truth that I am totally secure in God's love—which meant I no longer had to serve or hussle to earn worth or feel validated by others.

Today, I set better boundaries, I recognize the things that trigger my ego grabs and I consistently practice better self-care. I live a more balanced life. And on days when I struggle and recognize that I am falling into old habits, I have a new awareness and positive action steps to restore alignment. Every personality has its on version of how a strength can turn into a weakness, and though mine may not sound like an awful weakness on the surface, it was causing me, and the closest people in my life, problems and grief. Developing a better understanding of my wrong thinking brought more freedom to my life and the capacity to actually love people more wholeheartedly, more sincerely. Mostly, with God’s help, I learned that I can trust Him to provide help in areas where I had tried to operate solely in my own strength.